Porno = Devil

And now I'm going to let you in on the second component of my existence: porn Mormons.You have to understand that they are everywhere. They can preach abstinence because they're dogging each other so fast they don't even realize they're sexually active. They go to sleep, a few pillows are tossed, some middle-of-the-night bumping occurs, and then, before you know it, a hunk of living flesh pops out of the oven!

This nocturnal form of human baking has a name: sex. It has a crisp, refreshing sound, doesn't it? Say it with me: sex. It's the word that brought you into existence. It's also the word that spreads genital herpes, creates quivering joy, and serves as an excuse for marriage.

However, this word is horrible: PORN. "Porn is a tool of the devil to destroy the family," the Mormons say. Well, to them I say, "No duh." When all the fishes have already swam into a Kleenex, of course there aren't any more to breed feverishly in the aromatic swamplands.

The church seems to treat adolescent males like asexual children (and servants). I hypothesize that this is an effort to make their sperm cell density increase, so that by the time they marry, they can create six children on their wedding night. But, it should be obvious to any rational human being that this is not the case, and by raising children to believe that porn is Hell-inspired, they will avoid it at all costs and fulfill their needs by either making Mormon prom-night babies and causing emotional distress, or feeling so guilty for some hot porno that they become clinically depressed and/or suicidal.

On this note, I come to our school district's (Hell, the whole town of Rexburg's) anti-porn month:

Yes, really. Last year the mayor of Rexburg deemed May anti-porn month, and thus, this is the second year of Sugar-Salem School District making a big woop-de-doo over the evils of steamy nudity on TEH INTERWEBZ. The school handed out white bracelets to represent our "clean mind." Of course, their intentions were more likely for the bracelets to be deterrents from choking the chicken. They, in effect, turned Sugar City, Idaho into a modern-day Salem, Massachusetts. Since I colored my bracelet rainbow colors for the lulz, not a day went by where someone wouldn't say, "Oh my gosh are you addicted to pornography?" Although I was tempted to say, "Yes, and I become violent when I don't have a steady supply of jugs," I held my tongue and chuckled.

In addition to the witch-detecting bands, a big-ass poster labeled "Clean Minds Week" was posted, awaiting signatures to prove your self-celibacy. Of course, I'm not the only student who finds the event hilarious, so, in addition to my signature "Corbin Fisher," I was met with the misspelled "Hughe Hefner" and "Jenna Jameson," along with the paradoxical "Your mom."

Outside of school, the town of Rexburg was up in arms over the anti-pornography campaign. Businesses such as Chevron and a local pizzeria called Craigo's decided that it would be profitable to advertise the anti-pornography conference at the Mormon Tabernacle on their signs. Even a gigantic sign on Main Street was used to say, "Winning the War on Pornography."

And so you have it: how Mormons (and Mormon gingers) view porn.

*This post not intended to pique curiosity.

lds anti-porn idaho rexburg mormon

A Day Inside a Mormon Church

Hey blogsluts!
Check out my Infobarrel about a day inside a Mormon church. The LDS church isn't really all that fascinating -- it's basically everything you'd think it wouldn't be. There's not even any naked men involved.

My Infobarrel

Hey everyone,
Just thought I'd mention that I've set up an account at Infobarrel. I'm working on making that quite the corner of the Internet. I've currently got resources up for gambling, calculus, Habbo Hotel, and gaming. Check me out!
http://www.infobarrel.com/Users/Glunn11

Porra vio

I suppose I'd best begin with why this blog is called Gingers and Mormons, and today I wish to address the "Gingers" part. Now, it's important to acknowledge that gingers are people too. However, so are Martha Stewart and that Jared asshole from those Subway commercials, so that's not saying much, is it?

I met the most important ginger of my life my freshman year of high school in my intro to Internet course. She entered class every day with sunglasses on her forehead and a black hoodie donned in a slightly messy fashion.

Originally, I simply thought, "All right, just a new girl who's slightly out of place." So, one day, she began talking to me with an accent that I can best describe as lulzy. She did not take any time to hesitate on where her gingery-ness was planted and cultivated:

 CALIFORNIA

And if you didn't know it, she and her crew would so cut your ass. Back in the good ol' days when Bebo was all the rage, she happened to make one, and for the same breach of logic that would lead someone would grope a cactus plant, I added her. (No, I didn't want to grope her) 

The page was black with a nice, dark blue background showing the beaches of Oceanside (O'side, as she would say). However, she made it quite clear that this is certainly not how life is like in California. For instance, did you know that she was in two to three gangs? In California they don't have definite numbers. Everything is fuzzy, chill, but violent, like your mom on dope. Speaking of dope, did you know that marijuana is native to California? Also, did you know that there are no Main Streets in California, and that all Californians want to kill Dubya?

It's quite amazing, really. For a ginger, she is incredibly knowledgeable. She's also been through a lot. One day, after painting the town red, she actually got into a hit-and-run over racial tension, although she has told everyone that Californians don't use guns in fights! That's preposterous!   Everyone ought to know that knives are the weapon of choice (police are too afraid of knife fights!)

Her native language is Spanish. She probably learned it after her childhood of cholo relations and marijuana smuggling. One day in English class, I told my friend that today sucked, to which she replied, "porra vio."

Unable to understand the meaning of this phrase, I surrounded my friends around good ol' Babelfish and answered the mystery once and for all. The result:

After consulting Google for a meaning of this elusive phrase, I have reached the conclusion that only Californians can understand what "club saw" truly is. Just another life lesson, courtesy of a ginger.

Well hello there. I suppose I'd best begin by telling you a bit about me. My name is Glen, and there are two things that I am not: a ginger and a Mormon. Essential things you must know about me:

• I have Rugrats curtains. That's right. The curtains in my bedroom are full of squiggly, rough shapes and Rugrats characters. It's been this way since I was six, and I haven't really found any reason to change them. God knows that if you make fun of my curtains, you're asking for crucifixion.
  
• I am a whore for Pomeranians. Quite frankly, fuck children. With a good ol' pom, you get twice the cuteness with infinitely less fecal matter. I plan on owning one of these little angels when I move out. And, yes, I'll let you pet it.
• I'm horrible at sticking with things. My favorite quote is, "If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then if you fail to succeed to Hell with that. Try something else." And, really, I don't think that will change. That's just so... un-Glennish. Life's too short to force yourself into doing things you don't enjoy inherently.
• I've gone through several addictions. As early as five years old, even, when I first found Sailor Moon on Toonami. I distinctly remember crying simply because she was so wonderful. I'm also a whore for the Myst franchise, although Uru and the fifth installment were hardly Myst games. From Myst, I did meet my best friend out of a mutual-interest-orgasm over the games. I also have been known to shoot up on SimTower, Linux, Clue (Fatal Illusion is fabulous), swinging (on a swingset, not the kind your mom engages in), and freeware adventure games.
• I'm a liberal agnostic-going-on-atheist who adores himself. I don't even claim the junior missionary I was from 2006 to 2008. I essentially find myself to be in a state of perfection, regardless of my horrendous zits, fat percentage equivalent to that of a balooga, or puny equipment (on my abandoned Runescape account, of course).
• 2008 sucks. Royally. The year 2008 was certainly crafted by the same people who made Windows Millennium Edition, white chocolate Crunch bars, and the new All That! It, not Voldemort, is what actually is not to be spoken of in the Harry Potter series.

And I think that's probably all you ought to know for now.

ttyl, sluts.